How honouring another helps us heal ourselves

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How honouring another helps us heal ourselves | WillowEoL

When we know those we love well, we can honour their essence in life and in death. It’s my belief, that this honouring of another at the time of their death plays a key role in our own healing journey.

One of the most powerful memories I have from my days of funeral directing is arranging for Louise* to spend time with her dead brother, David.* David’s death was unexpected and jarring news to his mother and sister who both lived in a nearby city, a few hours from where he lived and died. While David was not a young man, he did not, to anyone’s knowledge, have a life-threatening illness.

I was asked by David’s mom, his next-of-kin, to register his death and arrange for his cremation. She wanted her son’s ashes (or cremated remains) returned to her. Her plan was to mark her son’s death with a church service and Celebration of Life a few months down the road in her home community.

His sister Louise however felt it was essential to see David and spend time with him before he was cremated. Her mom respected her wishes and I arranged for Louise and David to have time together. In funeral speak this is typically called a viewing.

Honouring the essence of our dead is critical to our healing journey.

Louise was lucky because she knew her brother well. She used this ‘knowing’ to pour her love for David into the details of preparing for his viewing.

She and her mom went to David’s home and picked out some of his favourite clothes for him to wear including his ever-present sunglasses and a baseball hat. Louise also gathered some small stuffed animals she knew provided her brother with comfort over the years. She copied photos of family pets and happy pictures of her brother living and loving life and being with family. Louise purchased an array of natural fabrics, envisioning them as cozy bedding—some to be placed under him and some to cover him when it was time to say her final good-bye.

David loved to be in nature and in particular cherished the beauty of the cedar trees in the backyard of his sister’s house. To honour what she considered the essence of her brother, Louise brought in a collection of cedar boughs from her property and asked that they be placed  under David. The stuffies, photos, fabrics and cedar boughs were to surround his body, enveloping him in love and comfort.

There are a bounty of ways to honour someone and your love for them after they die.

Finally, Louise asked that I pay special attention to David’s feet when bathing him. Would it be possible, she wondered, for me to rub her brother’s feet with essential oils. Louise cried when I told her I could use cedar wood essential oil. It’s my sense that her tears were an expression of relief; she was seen and heard by me. She was being supported to express her knowing of and love for her brother.

Satisfied that her love and care for David were expressed, Louise could now turn her attention to honouring the full scope of her emotions. She could visit with her dead brother and be with both what was in front of her and within in her

* names have been changed

What about you?

How do want to be cared for after you die?

How has preparing someone for their final resting place, aided your healing process?

Please share in the comments section below. We’d love to hear from you.

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  • Iris Paradela-Hunter April 29, 2020 at 1:06 am

    What a wonderful and heartwarming story, Michelle! I can just imagine how your simple suggestion of using cedarwood essential oil must have been a great relief for Louise. It’s such a beautiful experience when we are seen and heard – especially at a time of need like mourning for a loved one.

    • Thank you for your note Iris. It is an honour to see and hear people, to bear witness to their journey. And, to do this work as part of a team is the best. I remember how wonderful is was to support this family in partnership with my friend and mentor, Ngaio Davis of KORU Cremation | Burial | Ceremony.

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